When you first find out you are pregnant, all you feel is excitement. Nauseas, hungry, tired but completely excited. I don’t know about other people but for the entire 9 months, I barely though about what would happen once my baby was born. For the first time in my life, I was taking things 1 day at a time. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about the big milestones and who she would look like, but I didn’t think of details.
The day I went into labour, was the first day I was officially struck with Fear. It’s quite an overwhelming emotion if you don’t control it. I was scared for her life – she had a pretty rough start. During labour, E got stuck and couldn’t get into the right position to come out. She starting stressing and her heartbeat starting dropping. By the time the doctors performed an emergency C-Section, she wasn’t breathing. I didn’t know whether she was going to survive or not. We were moved to Norwich hospital, 3 hours away from home, where we stayed for 1 month. I felt nothing but Fear.
By God’s will she made it through with no brain damage. I thought the worst was over but that’s the thing. It had only just begun! For every happy moment, there was Fear attached. First it was making sure she didn’t choke on her milk, suffocate in her blankets, fall off the bed or worse, drop her! There were so many things that I was afraid of and honestly, it hasn’t stopped.
This is the way it’s meant to be, I think. As a parent, you are always scared for your children. You want them to be safe, you want them to have a happy long life and live longer than you! Maybe the overall fear is that you might not get to see them live that long life, because your life could be shorter.
Fear is a dangerous emotion. You have to be careful how you embrace it.
Until next time!