Anxiety…. 

Nowadays, having anxiety is like a having a common cold. Everyone has it and everyone uses it to fall back. I had anxiety before I even knew what it was. I would have huge panic attacks and not even understand why or how. My brain just would not switch off. Sometimes I couldn’t even sleep because I was so worried about nothing. I couldn’t even enjoy my wedding day, because I genuinely thought I was going to die. Why? No idea. 

As I got older and found more stability in my life, I started to find that the panic attacks started to diminish. Now that anxiety is such a big deal, I could sit back and say yeah, I had that, but I’m better now.

That is, until recently. It is back and with a vengeance. My brain will not switch off. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t stop planning, I cannot stop worrying. I’ve had more panic attacks in one week than I’ve had in the last 4 years. What do I do now?

Blogging is a way to express yourself and get any thoughts out but even as I am typing away, this doesn’t make sense. I stress about work. I stress about my marriage, my home, my child, my family, my cats, my health, it doesn’t stop.

I don’t know how to switch it off. Since I was younger, I’ve been afraid of getting water over my face. I can’t swim, I don’t face the water in the shower and it’s all because I do fear drowning. Whilst I’m not in water right now, I honestly cannot think of a better way to describe how I feel right now. I can’t switch my thoughts off and I’m drowning.

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A Glossy 2 Year’s : Things I Still Use| BEAUTY

I was subscribed to Glossy Box for a year and loved it. I think it was one of the best things I have ever done but I had to cancel my subscription due to my bank account not being able to handle the amount I was spending on subscription boxes!

It’s been a year since I cancelled my subscription and I thought it might be a good idea to write a blog post on products I received, that I still use and love. I went through all my old blog posts where I reviewed the box and worked out which products I still use.

Much to my surprise, there are only 2 things!

In September 2015 – the very first Glossy Box I received actually – I was sent a Marsk Eyeshadow Brush Pro. It is a very basic eye shadow brush and actually, I use it quite a lot. I find that it’s really good for adding concealer to the eyes when you do a cut crease and that is what I still tend to use it for. It is very simple looking but I can imagine a collection of these brushes would actually look quite nice on my dressing table. The brush hair is a little firm, but that’s what makes it really good for cut creases.

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In March 2016, I received a Luxie Rose Gold Large Angled Face Brush. I absolutely love this brush. I’m not sure what it is actually meant to be used for, but I like to use it for contouring. I find that it applies product so nicely and it also very pretty to look at. I use it to contour because it has that angled shape. It fits neatly in the hollows of my cheeks and it’s a really good sturdy brush to use.

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Whilst there were only 2 things in all 12 boxes (I think its roughly 60 products in the year) that I still actually use, there were a few other things that I used until it finished (or I lost it) and just didn’t get round to repurchasing.

It’s safe to say that if I was thinking about subscribing again to a beauty box, I would not go for Glossy Box again!

Until next time!

 

 

 

 

Potty Training Diaries.. DAY 3-12

I didn’t want to flood my blog with daily potty Diaries, so I’ve held off a little bit! We are currently on day 12, with potty  training. 

On Day 3 E did a wee in the potty by herself. In fact she went by herself. What I found was that I stopped shouting and getting frustrated and instead let her decide when to sit on the potty. I kept reminding her every half hour to use the potty when she needed to and I left the room. This really worked for her as she preferred to be by herself. Also, I found if I gave her a toy or book, she would be happier sitting on the potty. 

Day 3 went brilliantly. Over the next few days she would sit on the potty without crying. I even sent her to her nans house and she only had 2 accidents! 

I ventured out for a few hours with her and my husband, on Day 9. I took the potty with me and just sat her on it in the public toilets. E absolutely hated it as she has a huge fear of hand dryers! 

The next day I sat her on the toilet and now we have stopped using the potty. We’ve barely had any accidents and she is so happy and proud of herself. 

It has taken me 12 full days to get her comfortable without a nappy. The real test will begin when I go back to work tomorrow, as she will have to learn to tell someone else that she needs to go! 

Potty Training Diaries… DAY 2

I wasn’t kidding when I said day 2 would be harder than day 1!

It was my first full day to get E used to the potty and what a day it was. She still cried every time she had to sit on the potty. I felt so guilty because I didn’t want her to feel sad but at the same time I knew that I had to continue with it. 

I reminded her every 20 minutes about the potty again. She stayed in underwear pretty much most of the day. The first accident was at 11am. I left my husband in charge – this was clearly my first mistake! – and she had an accident on the floor. He said that she did half a wee on the floor and half on the sofa, so he still left her stick a star on the reward chart?!?! This is why men are not in charge of children. 

Second accident was on the sofa. I waited a whole hour with E, playing dolls, knowing she would need to go to the toilet soon. The second I was distracted, she came in the living room and had an accident on the sofa – sigh – 

Despite my constant reminders and sitting her down on the potty, she had another accident 2 hours later. 

It had been a very long day but there were a few lessons I had learnt. I noticed that she went for a wee every 2 hours after her morning wee. She definitely hates the potty so I may have to try the toilet instead and we actually managed to go out yesterday for 2 hours without any accidents! 

I wanted to give up so many times in the day. It was upsetting me and E and making both of us angry and agitated. I just have to remember that I need to stay positive, calm and encourage her, rather than get annoyed! 

Here’s to hoping we have a better day tomorrow! 

Potty Training Diaries.. DAY 1

I’m at that stage with E now where everyone keeps asking me when I’m going to start potty training her. I did try a few months ago but she refused to entertain the idea. She’s almost 3 now so with that in mind, I made the decision to start today. It just happened to coincide with over a week’s worth of annual leave, so what better time will I ever have to get E off nappies?

I’ve read quite a few a books, online articles, blogs and listened to mothers who have already been through this stage. I purchased a Peppa Pig potty as it is one of her favourite characters. I also purchased a reward chart with stickers (from Hobby Craft for £2.50) and a good supply of Cadbury chocolate buttons as a reward. 

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I started halfway through the day as I was still at work this morning. As soon as I took E’s nappy off, she realised what was happening and went straight into protest. I didn’t give in though and every 20 minutes, kept sitting her back on the potty and explained what she needed to do. Around an hour later, I could tell that she needed to go for a poo, so I sat her back down on the potty. She absolutely bawled her eyes out but SHE ACTUALLY DID A POO IN THE POTTY!!!

I was LITERALLY screaming with excitement. Once she was done, I showed her the poo and she was pretty shocked. She definitely understood that she did something good and kept saying “Yes” when I told her she was a really good girl! We then tipped it all into the toilet and she flushed it away. I then let her pick a coloured star and stick it onto the reward chart, which she absolutely loved doing. (Let’s just ignore the part where she demanded I then let her use ALL the stickers and cried for ages because I said no)

At this point I thought,hey, what is all the fuss about! That was pretty easy! Little did I know, E had made a plan to NEVER sit on the potty again. She point blank refused. She cried and cried when I tried to get her to go for a wee. Even though she had 2 cups of water to drink, she did not wee in the potty for the next 4 hours. In fact, she did not wee at all.

I tried everything, from giving her a chocolate button once she sat on the potty, to making her dolly sit on it, but nothing worked. As it’s now bedtime, I’ve popped a nappy back on her to sleep in and she has fallen asleep within minutes.

It has definitely been an experience today. I do feel agitated and upset at the fact that she has been crying most of the day, but I do know that it will get better. The plan for tomorrow is to take her out of her nappy as soon as she wakes up and try all over again!

“Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine” – Jack Ma

Moments…. |RAMBLINGS

Isn’t it strange how you build your life, build a routine, settle into your everyday and then suddenly something happens to ping you straight back to certain moment. It’s more than v a  just the moment though. It’s more about the feelings and emotions that are attached to that moment. 

This all sounds cryptic but it’s not meant to be. I was just going about my life when suddenly I just remembered a certain point in my life. I remembered how it made me feel and sadly how much I genuinely missed that part of my life. There is no one that makes me feel that way and leaves such an ache in my heart. 

Everything happens for a reason, I am a strong believer in that but every one must have days like this right? Anyway, I was just having one of those moments and felt like I had to write it all out! 

My Thoughts: Podcast with Alfie Deyes and True Geordie

This time around, I made a promise to myself that I would only blog when I am inspired or passionate about something. Since watching the podcast where True Geordie interviews Alfie Deyes aka Pointless Blog, I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head and I wanted to share them.

I had never heard of True Geordie before watching the video podcast so I can’t tell you anything about him other than the fact that he interviews a lot of YouTubers and has said many hateful comments about Alfie in particular. It was almost a 3 hour podcast and even though I do love all things Alfie, I am actually quite surprised that I watched it all! They mainly spoke about him, his life, how and why people dislike him and his opinions on taboo subjects regarding certain YouTubers etc.

I felt a variety of emotions through those 3 hours. Firstly, I felt quite defensive. A lot of people don’t like Alfie, and that’s fine. His content is not everyone’s cup of tea, but how can you dislike somebody without even knowing him? Alfie’s fans or followers feel like they do know him because they have watched him for x amount of years. That is what makes him and other daily vloggers different from your average celebrity. I sometimes stop and think, how can I – and I am nearly 28 years old – enjoy watching a 24 year old man just living out his life, on YouTube. It does sound a little odd! However, it’s not even the content I enjoy. It’s Alfie, his personality and how he treats other people that draws me in. I have been watching for almost 4 years and I’ve gone back to watch every single video he has posted on YouTube. I’ve been watching him for so long, that what seems like a 2 minute clip on him shopping in Waitrose is more than just that for me. For me, that small clip is about him making more healthy choices with his food and cooking more.

Within the podcast, they talked about child exploitation and more quality content. They kept pushing and digging at Alfie, that surely, with 11 million subscribers across all his channels, he should be making more quality content. He should be travelling across the world and making arty footage, rather than chilling on the sofa at home or going into town. It sounds all well and good but I don’t want to watch that! If I wanted to watch arty footage, I would watch The Michelaks (whom I do love). I watch Alfie, because I want to watch what he has been up to in the day and what he’s been up to with Zoe. Actually, a huge part of watching Alfie has been to do with his girlfriend Zoe aka Zoella. I think she is amazing and she doesn’t vlog as much, so it’s always good to see her in the vlogs.

The  other point was child exploitation. He doesn’t have any children yet but True Geordie name dropped the SacconeJoly’s and said how sick it made him that they exploited their children for views. I then started reading the comments on the video – which seriously annoys me, by the way! I don’t know why I read them – and so many people were slagging off the SacconeJoly’s. If you don’t know who they are, they are an Irish family. Married couple Jonathan and Anna, their 3 children and 5 dogs! They film vlogs every single day, around 15 minutes long. I also love them. I COMPLETELY disagree with the fact that they exploit children! They are loving parents and their vlogs started WAY before they had kids! Jonathan is a very creative man and loves to film arty footage and tell a story. Anna is so down to earth and their kids are honestly so kind and caring. The only way children can have traits like that, is if there parents teach them.

I have to be honest, I have learnt so much about parenting from this family. I am sure they have bad days, but I love how they discipline their children. I love how they spend so much time with them. Yes, they do earn a lot of money, but that money is then used on the kids. If I could do that for my daughter, I 100% would.

Anyway, I clearly feel quite passionate about this particular subject and people should speak out about it. Let these talented people vlog, so we can live vicariously through them! What Alfie does is actually quite achievable and he shows that if you put your heart and head into something, you can do it!

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Alfie Deyes – Hackney Empire Show

It has been 5 months since I last blogged and I am disappointed in myself. There just didn’t seem to be anything that I wanted to write about and I felt very uninspired. However, this weekend, I did something amazing and I just have so much to say that I had to type something up!

I MET ALFIE DEYES.

Yes. THE Alfie Deyes.

Okay, wait, I didn’t ACTUALLY meet him. On Saturday, I went to his Live Event at Hackney Empire in London. It was a Q&A with Emma Gannon and he simply answered questions. I was a few rows from the front and was so close that I could even see the detailing in his trainers, so I might as well have met him. So let’s start from the beginning.

 

Alfie Deyes is a British Vlogger on YouTube. For anyone who doesn’t know, vlogging is simply recording your day on video and posting it online. He posts roughly 10 minutes of an edited day, on YouTube. He is sitting on almost 4 million followers. Yep, that is a LOT of people.

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I found Alfie’s videos when I was on maternity leave. Sick, tired and with nothing to do, I found myself on YouTube, watching make-up tutorial videos. I came across Zoella, whom I’ve been watching for years. I then found Alfie. His video’s just made me feel better about my day and he inspired me to just be a better person. Even when I gave birth and my daughter was in critical condition for a few months, I found myself gravitating towards him on YouTube, for comfort.

I always felt like his fan’s were quite young though. Teenage girls, to be specific, so whenever he did any meet ups or events, I never went. This time though, something in me just said go for it! I purchased tickets and off we went.

screenshot_20170716-224101.pngCan I just say, Hackney Empire Theatre is BREATHTAKING. It is so beautiful inside and it feels so old and full of laughter. It’s one of those places where you can imagine people years and and years ago, sitting down and watching a performance.

The actual show in itself was surprising good. I say that, because how interesting can an hour long Q&A really be? I found that the hour went by so quick because of Alfie. It is so weird to see him in real life and not on YouTube. He really is that tall, his hair is actually that little bit blonde and his laugh is ACTUALLY that infectious! He was so charming, so funny and just so real when he was answering questions.

There were a few negatives that I want to mention though. Firstly, the show was meant to be 2 hours long. When I actually got the tickets, it said 1 hour 15 minutes but it ended up only being an hour. I feel that it could have been longer. Secondly, I feel there could have been more audience participation. They did a section where the audience could ask Alfie a question but there wasn’t enough time spent on it. I just feel like it would have been more of an experience if I had more of a chance to get involved? Finally, this is not really a negative but just an observation. When Alfie has done events or meet up’s before, he has vlogged quite a lot. He picked his camera up once during the event and even in his vlog today, there was barely any footage. I think it is one of the big things you look forward to, if you do meet him. The question is, did you make it onto the vlog! Screenshot_20170716-224048

Regardless of all that above, I did actually have an amazing time. I am 27 years old and feel very conscious that his fan’s are so young. I saw a lot of parents with their kids and there were only a few people that looked like they were my age, on their own at the event. Despite that, I am still so happy that I went. For £12, you get to see Alfie, watch a hilarious show, get a signed copy of his new book and 100 lucky people had the chance to actually meet him as well.

 

It was a brilliant day and I look forward to the next event!

 

Until next time!

 

 

Perks of being a parent.. the bright side 

10. Losing sleep. Never have I realised how important sleep actually is, until I had a baby. I feel like I’ve forgotten how a good night’s sleep is and don’t even get me started on a lay in on the weekend. What is a lay in?? However, the smile on my daughters face when I come to rescue her from her cot prison is priceless and maybe… just maybe worth losing sleep for.

9. No privacy. I can’t go to the bathroom for a shower or a poo. I can’t sit at my dressing table alone. I cant change my clothes without her staring at me. She follows me everywhere!! On the bright side it’s refreshing to see how curious she is. It means she is trying to learn things and work out her boundaries.  Plus, life can be a little lonely sometimes so it’s nice to have company.

8. Sharing food. I can’t remember the last time I had a plate of food to myself. E will scavenge and take anything she fancies and I end up having barely any food left to eat myself. There is a perk in this, being someone who never finishes their meal! With E around, I can eat what I want and give her half of it aswell. This means no food is wasted and we are both happy!

7. No attention. Everyone wants to know how the baby is doing. Everyone asks about her and she dominates the entire conversation.  Don’t mind me, sitting here with a stiffly nose and a sore face from an oncoming cold… just ask about my child! It is great though to fly under the radar and for a socially awkward person like myself, having an easy topic to talk about makes the conversation easier. Confession time – I LOVE taking E to parties and social gatherings. 

6. Your name. This is a weird one but I barely get called by my name now.  I’m just mum. I feel like I’ve lost my identity a little. On the bright side, I adore being a mother and when E calls  me Mama, my heart just melts.

5. Cartoons. I now know every Mickey mouse episode and Peppa Pig episode by heart now. It is on repeat in my house. However I actually love watching Cartoons so now I have an excuse to actually watch it.

4.Problem Solver. That is my main job now. I have to work out what she wants, why she wants it and why she doesn’t want it anymore. My head is spinning at the end of it. On the bright side it’s keeps my brain active and we learn more about each other.

3. Limitations. There are certain things I can’t watch around her and also certain things I can’t say. I feel like I am constantly on watershed! However, this helps me more than  anyone. The less I swear, the better I feel about myself! 

2. Child friendly. When you have kids you start to see the world differently. I don’t walk on the road like normal- I look for dropped kerb with the pushchair. I can’t eat out unless there is a highchair and crayons to keep E busy. I can’t stay out late in the evening as she gets overtired. On the bright side though, it makes me appreciate life more!

1.Time. Time is just flying by. She’s 2 now and before I know it, she will be 10. If I turn around and blink, I’ve missed something! Enjoy it will it lasts…Kids don’t stay kids for long…..

La La Land

I haven’t blogged in a while but I recently watched La La Land and just needed some way to express my feelings about it. 

It’s important to note that I didn’t know anything about this movie other than the fact that it had Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling in it and that it was a musical. I kept seeing it advertised and thought hey, better go watch it!

What an experience. What a movie. Honestly my first impressions were a bit dubious. The first scene is a song which is quite cheesy, but the media student in me recognised that it was filmed in one take and my interest was sparked. 

The story is a little typical. A jazz pianist and an aspiring actress fall in love whilst trying to make their dreams come true. Whilst that is the synopsis, this film is so much more than that. I absolutely loved the chemistry between the main leads. They work together so well and it all feels so real!

The music was probably the best part. I’ve been streaming the soundtrack on Spotify for a few days now. On repeat. In the car. In my bedroom. I can’t stop! Mia and Sebastian’s tune sends chills down my spine when I hear it and I am in love with City of Stars. A Lovely Night and Audition are also firm favourites. 

I have to be honest, I don’t understand why this musical has hit me so hard. I watch a lot of movies and have seen a few musicals. Somehow, La La Land keeps circulating in my head, to the point of obsession. It could be because of the ending.  I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but the ending destroyed me, so maybe that’s why I keep thinking about it.

Overall, I highly recommend. The scenes were beautifully shot, the music and choreography is amazing and the storyline is really realistic.